I'm at that interesting place right now where I've been seeing someone for a couple of weeks. We are not "official", but I think he's going to ask me to be his girlfriend once I get back in state later this week. I think I will say yes.
I haven't been in a relationship for a year, and that relationship was my first one. Only one boyfriend, at 22? Yes, true story. You see, I'm a little bit picky. I didn't start dating until I was in college because until then I didn't feel ready. In high school, no one even knows who they are, much less what sort of person they would be happy with. And I don't date people because it's fun or feels good at the moment, I date someone because I'm serious about them and seeing where we could end up together.
So here I am, on the brink of getting into my second-ever relationship. How did I meet this young man? Well... online. And no, not through a blog because he or I was such an amazing writer. Through a dating site. I wouldn't call myself desperate, but I sat back and realized that I am out of college and diving into my career as an elementary teacher. From here on out, 98% of the people I meet will be younger than 12 or older than 45. Not exactly my ideal age range. Anyway, I met him online. We talked for several weeks first through e-mails. I was going through a lot of family drama and desperately needed someone to talk to, so he came into my life at a particularly wonderful time. I found his e-mails to be comforting and caring, sensitive to how I was feeling and encouraging through the tough spots. We also just talked about ourselves and each other, our hopes and dreams, our hobbies.
Eventually, we decided to go out. He took me out to sushi... yum. We watched a movie together. I don't think he touched me at all that first date. On the second date, we sat near each other on the couch during the movie, and when we talked afterwards I leaned against his shoulder. This was a far cry from one of the other guys I went out with who by the second date was dry humping me and not taking no for an answer. This date was different. His respect for me as a person and for my boundaries was heart warming, and though I knew anybody could put on a show and try to seem respectful by just waiting a few dates, I knew in my heart he was sincerely a great guy.
Now we've talked about everyone under the sun, and I'm starting to fall for him. I actually feel like this one might stick around. I'm afraid though. Is everyone afraid at the beginning? Afraid that he won't be who I hope he is, that he'll take whatever I give him in run, that he'll tire of me and my high standards and sexual boundaries, that we won't line up spiritually. Part of me... okay, a big part of me... wants to just throw caution to the wind and jump in, don't worry, don't look back, see where things can go. Part of me says things won't work out because they never do and I shouldn't get too excited.
As always, I choose to look forward with anticipation instead of backwards with fear or regret. Right now, I believe I'm dating a great guy that could make me really happy. Right now, I choose to accept that and accept him and willingly explore everything the future can hold for us. Right now, I will live in the moment.
Hey! Thanks for finding my blog and leaving me a message. I do love Next to Normal and I know it is coming to Denver in January. I am moving to Boulder that week and would love to see the show! Any interest in meeting up for it? Just saying.
ReplyDeleteHey there! Thank you for posting on my blog (especially about how you found me! I've been having some run-ins with real life stalkers lately, haha).
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about not having a boyfriend until 22 - I didn't have one until I was 18, and that's only 4 years off. My reasons were the same as yours - I didn't date for fun or just to not be single or for experience. I wanted something more lasting. I unfortunately got my wish, haha, but thankfully got myself out of it. :)
Every person is different in regards to their preferences in relationships. (Duh, Capt. Obvious). While I read about your new second-almost-boyfriend-guy, I couldn't help but feel happy for you; I immediately wanted you to go in!
But then I saw that you met him at a dating site. I mean, I'm not bagging on online dating sites, I promise. I've been there before - I was going through a break up of a 3 year relationship and was desperate for company, and had lost all my friends because of said relationship. Some guys on sites like these are genuinely sweet, and it's a shame they don't get the attention they deserve in real life. But a lot of OTHER ONES were just horn dogs, wanted sex, and/or would get into a "relationship" but still want to be active on the dating site. To me, that isn't exclusivity. I don't want to plant seeds of doubt, but just make sure you're open with this new guy and talk about the dating site stuff before you jump in.
I think everyone is afraid at the beginning. Afraid of falling so in love and the other person might reject you, or you fall out of love too quickly, or the person changes after you've been in an established relationship for a while. There are so many "what-if" factors at the beginnings of a relationship (at all times, actually, but you catch my drift).
You just have to weed out all the bad guys to get to the good ones - if something "never works out" now, who knows, you might have a better opportunity in the future! :) Life is about making mistakes and taking chances. Carpe diem and whatnot. To err is human. We gain experience and learn more in that way. I learned a hell of a lot from my 3 year mistake of a relationship, especially about specific qualities I'm looking for in a guy. I know you have your reservations, and it's good that you're cautious, but taking a chance with this guy also has the possibility of being a VERY GOOD THING. :)
I don't know you yet (emphasis on yet ;) dun dun dun~), but I'm already rooting for you and your happiness. Let me know how it goes, and if you ever want to talk about it, you know where to reach me. <3
@Kristina: I'm not a stalker, I promise! haha. I'm always afraid I'll freak people out by randomly posting on their blogs, but then again I guess the point of a log on the web is that the web has access to it? So hopefully it's not too weird.
ReplyDeleteI've been in some unfortunate relationships too; the first one I don't count as a relationship but it was what Facebook would call "it's complicated", haha, and 'twas not such a great deal. Ironically, he was much more of a 'poser', so to speak, than the guy I'm seeing now. I always like to just acknowledge that people I meet online are just as real as people I meet elsewhere, you just can't tell as much about them when they have the privilege of presenting themselves however they want. Actually, that totally reminds me of a story about this guy. You'll have to wait until I work it up into a blog post though! haha.
I definitely met a few of the type you describe, though. Including one guy that I never even met, only IMed a few times (I DO have good judgement occasionally, turns out!). He invited me to come over to his place to make out in his hot tub and then he'd go down on me. O_o Um. No. Go away. Maybe one of these days I'll make a post about some of the creative ways I've found to tell online guys to scoot.
I totally want to hear about specific qualities you're looking for! I always say, you learn something from each relationship. Maybe you learn what you want... maybe you learn what you don't! In addition to what I already knew, my experiences with guys has taught me that I'm looking for sincerity, a distinct lack of psychological disorders (... heh), consistency in how he treats me, maturity, whatever's the opposite of laziness, respect, and maybe some charm thrown in for good measure. Never hurts!